Darkness! or, the Pit and the Prognosticum
by Lizzylizzer
Summary: What's going on? Why can't any of the Titans see? A one-shot dialogue experiment with an overblown name and a BB/Rae slant.


"…what's the meaning of this?"

"Raven? That you?"

"Yes, Robin. How could you tell?"

"Your honeyed, angelic voice. I think _S__lade _is behind this_._"

"You _always_ say it's Slade, dude."

"Well, maybe it is—hey, my infrared visor isn't workin'!"

"Um—greetings. You are all here as well?"

Incoherent babble.

"Quiet!"

_Darkness!_  
_or, the Pit and the Prognosticum _

"All right. What's going on here?"

"For my part, Robin, I was in my room dressing Silkie, who looked most cute, and myself, in matching clothes-when I was suddenly plunged into this unappealing darkness."

"Try lighting a starbolt…?"

"Oh—I did, but nothing appeared. It would appear that my abilities are being suppressed."

"So that's not going to help us out here. Maybe…"

"Whoever's touching me, get off, or I will _personally_ eat your soul, regurgitate it, and feed it to you. Beast Boy."

"It isn't me! Why do you always think it's me?"

"…uh, 'cause it usually _is_ you?"

"You stay outta this, Cy."

"Look, we don't have time for this."

"Oh? Got some urgent appointments that you're going to handle while you're completely in the dark?"

"Uncalled-for sarcasm, Raven."

"I bring it where it's needed, not where it's called for."

"Friends, let us focus. What can we do to extricate us from this situation?"

"Don't ask me. I'm _totally_ confused."

"Wow. Stop the presses."

"Rae… I don't even know what that's supposed to mean!"

"Don't you ever get tired of saying that?"

"Raven!"

"Let it go, BB. I can't see anything in any of my ocular implant modes. It's like we're in space or something."

"All right, then. Let's get a sense of the environment in this place as best as we can. Topography, size, traps, features…"

"Dude! How am I gonna topographize like this? We could be in Zarquon's fortress of eunuch-creation and ultra-doom."

"We split up and explore. Star—you find the ceiling. Cy, track any changes in elevation along the floor. BB, look for crevices. Raven, you and I are on walls. Come over to the one behind me—here, take my hand."

"Someone's still _touching_ me. Why do you need my hand?"

"How else will you find me? We have to start at the same place and go in opposite directions around the perimeter of the room. Watch your footing and be careful not to trip on any exposed objects in front of you. If you find an open door, stick to this room. All right?"

"Right."

"Okay."

"Titans, go!"

"Ow!"

"Ow! Outta my way, BB!"

"BB, I said _crevices_, not 'ram into Cyborg.'"

"Well, what's a crevice then?"

"…a crack. A hole. A fissure, if you will."

"Oh. Why didn'tcha say so?"

A sigh.

"All right. Everyone got that? Come on, Raven."

_Boom…_

_Boom._

"I have located the ceiling!"

"Located isn't all, either, I gather."

"Oh? What have you gathered?"

"Right now, I gather dust and bits of plaster on my cloak, Starfire."

"Oh… my apologies, Raven."

"Well—in any case, I _have_ found the ceiling that we have been speaking of."

"…no kidding."

"None whatsoever, my friend!"

"…yes, I know."

"Oh. How odd. What now, Robin?"

"Uh, report, Star."

"The ceiling is in the direction of up; it is about twenty feet above the ground level, in the shape of a rectangle. And, um, it is composed of some rather fragile drywall."

"No elevation changes, Rob."

"All right then—is that your hand, Raven?"

"Not my _hand_…"

"Oh! Sorry…"

"I've gotten used to it after the last ten minutes."

"I haven't been touching you for ten minutes..."

"Um, who is touching _whom?_"

"Nothing, Star, I ran into Raven. All right. So we know the room is rectangular, twenty-five by fifteen by twenty feet."

"Hey, guys, _I _couldn't find any crevishes, or holes, or whatever ya wanna call 'em. No doors, no nothing I could crawl under, transformed or whatever… creepy."

"Hmm. A room without doors or entrances. And two ceilings."

"Two? How d'you figure?"

"Yeah, if Star busted one ceiling but there's still no light from it…"

"…it doesn't necessarily tell us anything, Cybrorg, because no light of any kind seems to work around here."

"Well—good point."

"…maybe. I'm beginning to have my suspicious. And whoever that is, _stop touching me!_"

"You _always_ have your suspicions."

"They're _always_ deserved with you, Beast Boy."

"Dude! There was that one time… you know. In that one place."

"Oh, I have heard of this. Was the time that you speak of located at the 'band camp?'"

_Kashplorf._

"Did you just spit-take on me? Who was that? Robin?"

"Sorry—but, uh Star, what do you know about—about _that_?"

"Um… nothing. Except that Earthlings sometimes engage in acts of animal abuse when they are improperly educated."

"…I really don't want to know what that means."

"Me either."

"Me threeither."

"…and once again, with Beast Boy's entrance, linguistic cacophony ensues."

"Stop trying to confuse me, Rae!"

"I really don't _need_ to _try._"

"…totally unfair and unwarranted comments."

A scoff.

"I'll prove it! Betcha anything I can outwit you _right now!_"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Aww, you're not gonna let 'im get away with that, are you, Raven?"

"…I suppose not. Fine. You're on."

"I'd just like to note that this is in no way helping us with our situation."

"Nah, it's entertaining me!"

"This 'bet' is an interesting mechanism. Would you undertake one with me, Robin?"

"Hm? I guess. About what?"

"Uh—um—I… do not know, but… I will think!"

"All right, Rae. Here's the deal—if I win, I get to ask you to do something." Evil cackle.

"Same terms on both sides, then. I'll be the judge."

"Sounds good to me."

"Fine. Let's get it over with."

"All right then. I'm waitin' to be astounded by your sudden genius, man."

"Okay, okay, okay. Everyone touch your Titan communicators, and say, 'Beast Boy is super-awesome.'"

A silence.

"…why?"

"Trust me. It's part of the bet!"

"Are you attempting to do the outwitting by making us admit to the super-awesomeness?"

"Completely false as it is."

"Naw, you'll be happy you did it!"

"Want to bet?"

"We're already betting, Raven."

"We can have two bets."

"All right, fine, if it'll make you do it. I betcha you'll be happy you said what I told you to into your comm."

"…fine. Beast Boy is super-awesome."

_Whir. Whirrrr. Zip._

_Clatter._

"…Beast Boy?"

"_Hahahahaha!_ I toldja!"

"Azar's name, how did you do that?"

"I totally win the bet! I win, I win, _I win!_ Everybody else might wanna say it, too."

"He's... right. Say it."

"All right... Beast Boy is super-awesome."

Robin suddenly heard two whirrs and a zip—some kind of ocular implant uninstalling itself? And then he felt as if he could open his eyes.

He was standing in an empty storage room in Titans Tower, with a large hole in the ceiling. On the floor, the visor attached to his mask fell with a clatter. Raven was standing with a similar visor at her feet, steaming angry. Beast Boy was rolling on the floor, in the throes of immense hilarity.

"Yeah," Robin said. "You should say it."

"Beast Boy is super-awesome," said Cyborg quickly, and his visor in turn dropped to the floor. Starfire followed suit, and soon they were all freed.

Finally, Beast Boy recovered. "I won," he said, "so I get to ask you something, Raven."

Wiping his brow, he sat up, and seemed to grow serious. "Uh—well… wilyagonadatewime?"

Robin goggled. Cyborg boggled. Starfire clapped her hands together in glee.

"Um, what?" Raven looked entirely taken aback. Robin couldn't blame her.

"Will you—will you go on a date with me, Rae?" He looked surprisingly earnest, without his usual gleeful pranking face.

"Uh…" The sorceress glanced around at the others. "Did I hear that right?"

"You know, you kind of have to. You did say you'd do something he asked if he won. And he did outwit us," said Cyborg.

Raven suddenly seemed to relax. In fact, she smirked. "Not quite. He said he could _ask_ me to do anything he wanted. He didn't say I had to do it."

Beast Boy suddenly looked crestfallen.

"And furthermore… I was happy to be able to see again, but I was equally unhappy to lose the other bet. So on balance, I wasn't happy that I said the words," said Raven. "So you lose the other bet, and it cancels out."

Now the changeling was sputtering.

"And, finally, Beast Boy—since you just lost your advantages one by one… I just outwitted you. I win the original bet, too."

She went to the door. Robin and Cyborg burst out laughing.

"She's got you there," said the mechanical Titan, chuckling.

"I believe she is correct," said Starfire. "In some twisted, recursive manner of admittedly questionable logical validity. Well done, Raven. I am sorry things did not turn out as you wished, though, Bea…"

"One final thing," Raven said, hand on the door now.

"…yeah?" asked Beast Boy.

"I'm supposed to ask you something now," she said.

"Yeah, sure," said the green Titan.

Raven's face was utterly inscrutable. "Then would you like to go to dinner with me?"

And Robin felt like he'd just been knocked on the head with a brick.


End file.
